Sunday, 13 January 2008

• AzN Bitches are Mad Hot!

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  I was relaxing in the hot tub after a hard swim today, when Timothy, a regular at the pool, turned to me and hesitantly began a conversation.

  “I want to get with an Asian girl so bad!” Timothy said, practically begging me to throw him some golden nugget of wisdom on how to seduce an Asian girl, thereby tapping into the mysterious forbidden fruits of the Orient.

  Timothy is your typical cookie-cutter suburban white guy in his twenties: wears jeans and ironic T-shirts with a haggardly-unfashionable Abercrombie baseball cap, can’t dance, no game, no sex appeal, listens to Dave Matthews, 9-5 office job, no personality, boring friends.  Timothy is also a nice guy, you know, one of those men who hardly have enough confidence to even approach a woman, let alone attempt seduction, one of those men who are constantly regarded as a “friend,” perpetually stuffed into the “friend zone” by women with whom he’d secretly love to be with. 

  Taking another look at Tim, with his arms splayed across the edge of the jacuzzi and perpetually looking around to see if he had happened to turn any female's eye, I surmised that Tim is also the kind of guy who would take pictures of his chest and post them on his myspace for the purpose of attracting women.  I really didn’t know what to say to him.  For a moment, I honestly pitied the guy. 

  “So what, to you, is the difference between a White girl and an Asian girl?”  I asked him.

  “I heard Asian girls are freaks in bed.  Asian girls like white guys right?  I heard they’ll do anything to get with a White guy.  Just give me some tips, man, from one playa to another.”

  I smiled and shook my head.

  Let’s get something straight: this is not a post form some no-luck-with-females angry “Asian-American” tool complaining about how unfair it is that white guys are taking all the Asian women.  Not at all.  In fact, I am very much in favor of interracial relationships, because, simply, they are rebellious, and rebellious is so fucking hot.  You White guys out there can date as many Asian women as you want, assuming that you can get ‘em.  I don’t care. 

  

  White girls, Black girls, Asian girls, Latinas, I love them all (please don’t tell my mother I said that).  The difference between Timothy and me; however, is that Timothy has a specific fetish for oriental girls, an exotic Asian fetish.  And this is something I’ve noticed over and over again with suburban white guys.  There is something bout those seductive oriental eyes that seems to always get suburban white guys’ panties all up in a bunch.  Could it be…um… our epicanthal folds??

  

  Awwww…yes.

  I know you’re probably creaming your pants by now in frustration. 

  “How, oh how,” you ask, “could I possibly land me one of them oriental chicks?  Tell me Prufrock, PLEASE!”

  Not to worry, lovely readers.  I am more than happy to oblige.  Simply follow the principles of these five simple facts, and you’ll be swimmin’ in the Asian women in no time:

   

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  Tutorial:  The White Guy’s Guide to Seducing Asian Bitches:

  I grew up and attended high school in a well-to-do white neighborhood.  I have plenty of white friends, and I’ve dated several white women.  So, I am quite familiar with this certain breed of Caucasianess, and I am definitely not railing on about something I don’t understand.  Not all white people are like Timothy, in fact, most aren’t.  This guide is for those who are.

  Fact # 1:  Asian Girls Don’t Listen to Dave Matthews.

  Let’s face it.  You are a boring cookie-cutter suburban white guy: you live a banal and pointless existence, as evidenced by the god-awful barf-music you listen to:

   

  Hot Oriental biatches will not find you sexy if you continue to listen to this crap.  There are two genres of music that you should consider when attempting to revamp your being into something that will get Asian girls’ panties wet:  J-pop or R&B.  Try this on for size:

  Also, learn how to sing karaoke.

   

  Fact # 2:  Asian Girls Need Extra Pampering

    +  +  +

  = Asian Poon

  It can be argued that most women, of all races, want to be swept off their feet; however, Asian girls are especially keen on how you present yourself, how well-spoken and well-dressed you are, and how much you are willing to spend on them.  Forget the “get her drunk for a one night stand” approach you’ve been using all your life, and get ready to pursue one woman for months with little reciprocation.  Asian girls want their men rich, handsome, well-groomed, and educated.  It’s total package x 3000.

  And they are much less forgiving.  Many of these girls grew up watching over-dramatized Asian soap operas, in which every female character is portrayed as a princess.  Your role is to be a dashing and mysteriously handsome knight who goes through Hell to win her love, because she’s well worth dying for. 

  

  Roses are a must.  A nice car?  Yes.  That ironically torn Abercrombie hat?  Trade it in for a fedora.  If you are unable to meet these criteria, your round eyes obviously do not deserve to behold the sex-pot mysteries of feng shui tao:

  

   

   

   

  Fact # 3:  Chopsticks

  

    

  Fact # 4:  Mind Games
  
  

  Asian girls are well known for playing mind games.  They’ll love you.  Then they’ll hate you.  Then, when you lease expect it, they’ll love you again.  This is directly due to Oriental physiology, which is drastically different from White-girl physiology.  Unlike White girls, Asian girls expect you to pursue them when they are demonstrating no affection towards you, and vice versa. 

  You must be prepared for this by tracking the pull and sway of their affections.  I have provided a helpful diagram to help you plan for your seduction games.  Notice that the Asian girl’s plasma progesterone concentration is directly proportional to her affection towards you.  This is because Asian girls have progesterone-specific receptors in their Amgdala cells that respond specifically to progesterone concentration during thier monthly cycles.  White girls don't have this.  You should ask the prospective Asian sex-toy when her last menstrual period was and plan your approach accordingly:

  

   

  Fact # 5:  You are an Idiot

  Perhaps you should try getting a White girl…or any girl, for that matter, before hitting the karaoke bars in Flushing.  The truth is, the more you hold race up as a barrier to romance, the less likely you’ll ever attract an Asian woman. 

   

  I’m an Asian man, and I’ve dated Asian, White and Black women.  "From one playa to another.." you say?  Douchebag, my sex appeal is transcendent.  Yours is non-existent.  You can’t speak like me, you can’t dress like me, you can’t write like me, you can't love like me, you can't kiss like me, and you certainly can’t fuck like me, so step off.

  If you honestly believe that an Asian woman is any different from any other woman, then you obviously don’t know women.  Grow up and try getting to know her before idolizing and exoticisizing her into something to the order of “me suckie suckie love you long time.” 

  

  Many Asian woman, especially “Asian-American” (god, I hate that word) women are fiercely struggling with their unique identities and hate nothing more than to have some douchebag such as yourself, swagger up to them and say, “I think Asian girls are hot, yo.”

   

  “Have you ever loved a woman?” I asked Timothy, “ever tried to understand her?  Ever offered to share her pain?  Ever stayed awake in bed for hours only to admire her sleeping body?  Ever spent a few minutes with her in complete affeciontate silence simply indulging in her presence? Ever ran your fingers passionately down her face as if to caress her skin were the reason you existed?  Women are self conscious enough as it is about their appearance:  Am I beautiful enough?  Is my nose too big?  Am I too fat?  Are my breasts too small?  Are my hips too big?  If you judge a woman solely by her appearance, even if you are in love with her, you will never never make her happy, Tim.  What they want is someone to desire, to truly desire them, for much more than what they see each morning in their mirrors.”

   

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