Friday, 22 May 2009
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Why Are the Bitches Still Trying to Take my Riches?
And just in case any of you nay-saying reprobates don’t believe me when I say I got myself into excellent shape:
And here is a "before" picture from approximately a year and a half ago, for comparison:
I did it without steroids, HGH, DHEA, “nitrogen activators,” weight loss pills, or supplementation of any kind, only an energy drink, a protein shake, and a professional-athlete-caliber training regimen.
So, kiss it.
Oh, and by the way, if you want to see $250k+ of tuition put to excellent use, I recently applied my kickass doctoring skillz to an injury of mine, wherein a 70lb dumbbell was dropped on Right LE 5th digit. Yeah, I buddy-taped that motherfucker:
Boo yah.
Hmm. $250,000, eh? I don't suppose they would give me a refund?
It swelled up almost twice it’s normal size and it hurts like a bitch with weight bearing. However, it’s fairly mobile I can’t identify a displacement. It’s probably a non-displaced phalanx fracture. There is also a nasty bruise on my 2nd digit, but that one has full range of motion and doesn’t even hurt. I could get an x-ray, but it doesn’t change the treatment, and I, in a financially responsible fashion, want to save on that $15 co-pay for the office visit.
The good news is that I’ve been using the injury to my advantage by applying the knowledge I acquired during my psychiatry training and extensive research on Cluster B personalities in order to leech sympathy and attention from others (It's part of my self-instituted training regimen in extroverted social skills), just like a real Cluster B. People can't even tell the difference. Check this Machiavellian shit out:
Hot Milf at the Gym: Hey, John, why are you limping?
Me: Oh! It’s HORRIBLE! I fractured my phalanges, and it’s crippled me!
Hot Milf at the Gym: What? Oh my god!!!
Me: Yeah! Some guido dropped a 70lb weight on my foot and a bone is broken! My foot is in so much pain. I’m taking all these medications (250mg of Tylenol…haha.) for it, but it still hurts. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to walk properly again. My foot is probably going to turn out deformed, or even worse, there is a chance that my circulation wont return properly, it will become necrotic, and I’ll have to get my whole foot amputated! Oh, why did this have to happen to me…why!!!?
Hot Milf: You poor thing…
Me: If that happens, my career, my whole life is over…*sob*. To think, I had flown so high just to be cut down at the prime of my life.
Hot Milf: Are you exaggerating?
Me: NO! This is a serious injury. You have no idea how horrible it is. I am in so much pain and no one gives me any sympathy. I might as well be dead.
Hot Milf: Aww.. I’m so sorry. I feel so bad for you.
(hug)
Hot Milf: Poor baby…is there anything I can do?
Boo Yah.
Well, speaking of my irresponsible financial behavior, it seems I am about to make an impulse purchase.
Tom Ford has been a credit to male fashion ever since he left Gucci. You gots to love them Brits. I never thought the double breast could be mondernized until I saw this:
I think I just jizzed in my pants…
Tom Ford outlets, however, do no exist outside of the UK, and I need to shop very fastidiously to find a Tom Ford suit at an affordable price. This will include ebay, overstock stores, and government foreclosures. But I am determined, and you can bet your ass I will own a Tom Ford double breasted suit within six months. And it will most likely cost as much as a modest 1-2 karat engagement ring. Sorry Steph, but a man has to prioritize. When I do own one, I’ll post a picture, and you can all moan and weep in jealousy.
When I started medical school, I had the impression that landing that awesome residency is the end of it. NOT TRUE. I should have known better than to get into that thing I got into the night before our financial aid lecture and show up an hour late, because I had to figure all this shit out the hard way...by making 23,423,534,535 phone calls to my student loan lenders.
Student loans are a fucking mess to deal with.
If you’re a moron and decide to totally flake on your loans for the duration of your residency, interest can climb up to 100k on a 200k loan (like certain brain-dead emergency medicine residents I know who just absolutely HAVE to live in Union Square or the upper West Side, drive a car in the city, and live on their credit card even though they are barely getting enough money to eat…poor decision making, poor life choices, poor insight…).
If you try to pay the interest alone on all your loans, you’re looking at shelling out 1000-2000 a month, which is unaffordable, since you’d be very lucky if your salary as a resident is 3000 a month. Otherwise, you can reduce the damage with income based repayment, which is something to the effect of 500 a month, which will most likely reduce the accrued interest by around 70%. However, it is a large sum of your income and the loan companies will still shave a good 50k off you, assuming that you are able begin a normal repayment cycle (2-4k a month) once you become an attending. This, of course, does not include private loans nor loans amassed during undergraduate years.
Rule of thumb: private loans = rape.
For anyone doing primary care…good luck.
And, of course, it’s going to be that much more difficult for me, as I will be paying a mortgage and supporting a house at the same time. The good news is that loans, the mortgage, and federal tax credit are all deductions on my tax return, and if I can buy a house in which I can take on a boarder, his rent can pay for my utilities and then some. Just to be safe, I'll be either deferring or forbearing all my low interest loans (anything under 5% or that I can defer) so that I'll have enough money for Italian clothing and my plasma TV (basic necessities). I will eat out a maximum of one day a week. Everything else, I'm buying at Costco, Target, TJ Max, etc. I’ve run the numbers over and over again and even made adjustment for “emergency funds,” and I should be all right.
My family is not rich and cannot help me pay any of these loans off, nor am I a female, who can snag a rich husband. I may, however, be able to pull a role reversal and snag a rich wife, and such a prospect begins to appeal to me more every day.
It’s a bit frightful to take all this on my first year as an intern, but it’s something I feel that I need to do. There are many people in my life who believe that I am not frugal, responsible, nor financially meticulous enough to buy a house at the age of 27, knee deep in debt, and I want to prove all of them wrong. Am I playing Russian roulette with my finances? Yes, but I’m only pulling the trigger once. I've got a greatly higher chance of surviving than blowing my head off, and I refuse...refuse...refuse to be the kind of man who is too weak and timid to take risks in life. The profit I stand to make off acquiring a house during a rock-bottom buyer's market and selling it when the economy plumps up is utterly phenomenal, that, plus the money I'll be saving on taxes and the money that I won't be blowing on rent is far more than whatever interest would accrue on the sum of my loans even if I were to forbear them for four years, like the retarded Emergency Medicine residents I previously mentioned do. I can take the risk now, live like a pauper, and be financially secure by the time I’m 35, or I can grind away at my job and be a miserable slave to debt, like so many others, until I’m 55. It’s well worth the effort.
10 years from now, I want to drive a Benz.
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